Diving In

Two things happened recently: 1. My drink got spiked at a party and caused me to end up in hospital 2. I took my open water diving course Two very different events, one of them being the coolest thing I’ve done on this trip, the other being one of the worst moments of my life. On the surface there is no connection, but I learned so much from each challenge, the good and the bad and contrasting them side by side I’m learning something that might help me more and more in the future. Now you might be thinking, isn’t one of your biggest fears the sea? What were you thinking jumping in deeper than you’ve ever been before? Well I’d had a few very scary, anxious filled days so I decided that I was done being defeated and controlled by fear that it was time to step up and face some fears and what better way to do than than diving right in (pun intended)! I was scared, and I was scared that I would panic (not a great idea 20m under water), but after the pool session on the first day I realised that diving might be the best way to stay calm. Anyone who’s done scuba diving will know that it’s not about swimming but about controlling your breathing. It’s important to keep breathing calmly and normally throughout the whole dive. I found it similar to yoga, where you focus on inhale, exhale, and also to how when trying to calm anxiety it’s exactly the same. Breathe in, and breathe out. So when I entered the ocean, before I even had the chance to worry, I was already breathing calmly. One of the worse effects of the drug that some horrible person decided to slip into my drink, is severe paranoia and anxiety. Worse than I’ve ever felt it and it continued to effect me and control me for a few days afterwards, alone in a hospital room in a strange country with a needle attached to my hand (another unfortunate and irrational fear of mine) not understanding what had happened or what would happen, and unable to keep myself calm, needless to say I didn’t really sleep. (Actually I wasn’t alone, shout out to my awesome friends who helped me out! You guys are amazing!) Being able to breath through anxiety is an important practice, I say practice because it takes work and sometimes I’ve got it completely wrong. It’s something we focused on in the diver training because it’s very easy for you or your buddy to freak out but when you have a finite amount of oxygen and can’t just shoot up to the surface, it’s important to be able to keep calm. But as well as the focused breathing, the more i considered it, the more I think can be taken from diver practice into coping with anxiety. For example the diver buddy checks you do before entering the water: B - buoyancy R - regulators and releases A - air I - instruments D - diver okay? I thought this could also be a good check if you feel like you’re panicking. Buoyancy; are you sinking? Are you spiralling? When on the ocean floor this is considered negative buoyancy, add a couple of puffs of air to pick yourself up. Regulators, what can you do to ground yourself. Releases; what do you need to hold on to and what should you let go of? Air; inhale, exhale. Slowly, steadily, continuously. Instruments, in diving this means your fins, your mask, your compass and your computer; what do you have around you to feel safe in your current circumstances, or do you have the tools to face the oncoming challenge? Diver ok; take it as a statement rather than a question, I’m okay, I can do this. I feel so proud of myself for not giving into my fears and I proved that I am strong, I am brave and the next time I feel anxious, even if I completely forget my new coping check list, I will remember that I overcame my fear. And you know what, it’s possible that something that terrifies you can hold something that brings you so much fun and joy. Tomorrow I start my advanced diving course!

A Backpackers Christmas

There are few things in life that I’m traditional about but Christmas is one of them, so when I did the calculations and worked out that my big plan of dropping everything and going backpacking around Asia, would mean that I’d be somewhere very far away for the first time at Christmas, I started to stress about how I was going to spend my favourite time of year, worlds away from everything and everyone who I call home. The build up to Christmas is always a magical time, the anticipation, the preparation for a day of giving, whether it’s presents to shop for and wrap, cakes to dose in brandy and decorate, trees to dress in lights and sentimental ornaments. But strip all that away and move yourself 7000 miles away where they don’t celebrate Christmas and it’s 30 degrees outside, even listening to Christmas songs can’t quite get you in the mood for Christmas because they simply don’t make sense; it’s not looking a lot like Christmas, I’m not driving home for Christmas and singing let it snow would just be plain mad! But I’m no Scrooge and after watching a few Christmas movies I refused to give up on Finding the Christmas spirit! I went back to these Christmas songs and started listening a bit deeper to lyrics and re-interpret them to see what actually we search for at Christmas, when the snow, the presents, the tree, the turkey and even the loved ones are so very far away! For example the classic “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas”. Well the closest I’m getting to that is a white sands beach, but what if it didn’t mean snow; White is a symbol of purity. Do you remember how you felt about Christmas as a child? That pure, uninhibited, undeniable joy. So maybe listen to the song as a reminder to dream of a purely joyful Christmas “just like the ones I knew before”. “Rocking around the Christmas tree”; what is it that Christmas tree provides for us at this time of year, and what do we miss when it’s gone? I’ve thought about this, and I reckon it the focus. Think about it, how much thought goes in to where the Christmas tree will be placed, maybe you have it in the sam perfect place every year or maybe it’s a big debate every year. But it always takes pride and place and draws all the attention every time you enter the room. It’s where the whole family gathers to open presents, moan how full their tummies are while still snacking on the honey roasted nuts on the coffe table. So take away that key focus point, what is it you want to focus on this Christmas time? I’m reminded of the first Christmas, there were no traditions then, and the climate was a bit closer to the heat I’m in right now, Mary and Joseph were very far away from their families and friends and everything they knew, but they weren’t alone and it was the most special Christmas of all. Their joy was pure, and their focus was the miracle child in the manger. They celebrated where they were, with who was by their sides and with what they had available to them and they enjoyed the moment. Take away the hassle of the preparations, trying to get everything perfect and just live in the joy of the holiday. Now we are going to open our makeshift stockings (upside down Santa hats) and drink some mimosas and eat pancakes on the beach, then our Christmas dinner will probably consist of pad Thai, which I’m sure we will eat until we’re stiffed like a turkey! Wherever you are and whoever you’re with I wish you all a very merry Christmas!

Believe in Your Ability to Figure it Out

What's your response when things go wrong? Or when you're helpless? Most of us stress, right? And what does that do to the situation? 
The thing is, I know how I should respond, I know I need to keep a level head and that stress just makes the whole issue worse and clouds my judgement etc etc. I understand the logic of it, until something goes amiss and suddenly logic goes out the window and panic and stress take its place...

Until the other day when we found ourselves in a very alarming situation and I'm still trying to understand how I was so at peace during the scene because I feel more scared and panicked looking back on it than I did at the time!

We decided to take a road trip up to Northern Bali in search of some waterfalls and temples. Leaving most of our belongings at a hostel in Ubud we packed all we would need for the night into my camera bag plus some snacks for the road and climbed aboard the motorcycle. It was about 1 and half hours to our first destination: a vast lake with a temple situated on one of it's banks. We'd left most of the tourists behind us already and it was so peaceful and untouched. 

From here we began to climb into the mountains, pausing at the top for some lunch with a stunning view of the lake beneath us. Then we descended a steep rough road to some marvellous waterfalls:

We climbed back up the rough road and then continued our journey north towards Lovina Beach. To reach it we had to scale more mountains, then about 50 minutes off our target we began our very steep descent down the mountains. It was a very economical drive, there was no need at all for the accelerator, but the brakes were being squeezed, under constant pressure all the way. About half way down, and still a very long way from the bottom, we were sailing down a particularly steep stretch of road, when very suddenly the brakes gave out...

Yes, we were riding down a mountain squeezing the brakes as hard as possible, when out of nowhere they stopped working! This is the stuff of nightmares. 

Miraculously Zak, who was driving, calmly managed to bring the bike to stop on the flattened entrance to someone's driveway. And that's where we were: stranded on the side of a very steep mountain in a foreign country, no phone service and well out of reach of the AA, with a motorcycle who's brakes had failed and two of us who had no comprehension as to why!

This is the moment to freak out right? If you can't panic now, when can you? And the weird thing is if I was back home I almost certainly would have stressed out. But something about the complete helplessness of it all was almost comical and that bought us enough time for us to remember logic and knowing that stress wasn't going to help, instead we thought of the quote: "The key is to believe in your ability to figure it out". We were helpless but we didn't feel desperate, and in fact help was on the way, though not in the way we were used to.

Not long after we'd dismounted and done a check around the bike, pretending we knew what we were looking for, an Indonesian man drove by and clearly recognised the perplexed looks on the tourists faces. He told us, in English, that the brakes were too hot and that we should wait. Neither of us knowing much about motorbikes, we weren't entirely convinced by this information. But, we'd also started to attract the attention of the people who lived nearby. One man spoke excitedly to us describing the problem - in Indonesian... He then waved his friend over, naively we thought this meant his friend spoke English; Nope, he just wanted to the share in the dramatic and increasingly comedic event. Have you ever thought "you've got to laugh about it otherwise you'll cry about it." This was certainly one of those moments, and we chose to laugh, it was really all we could do! 

A little girl who had been playing nearby and seen the whole thing, reappeared again with her mother who amazingly spoke a little english, she pointed to the front wheel and said water too hot. Having learnt a lot more about automobiles in the last year, I understood this to mean that the brake fluid has got too hot. So we had a diagnosis. She then echoed the first man's advice to wait, for about 30 minutes. They let us use their bathroom and we settled down with our snacks for a mini picnic by the side of the road. Many more Indonesians came by, some merely beeped their horns, the normal greeting here, others stopped to say hello to the tourists, some tried to help but it's not easy when you don't share a common language.

Finally we started to gingerly make our way down the mountain again, going as slow as we could, but also being as gentle with the brakes as we dared and stopping for periods of time when we didn't feel safe. Eventually we made it to sea level, phew! 



Although apparently that wasn't enough adrenaline for us, because the next day we found ourselves at Aling Aling natural water park for a spot of cliff jumping. A bit hooked on adventure!


I'm not sure what that X factor was that kept the stress at bay, but I do know that it changed what could have been a desperate nightmare, into an adventurous afternoon, a shared experience with some really kind people and a story we will always remember, proof that whenever we feel out of control, free-falling down the mountain. Its not desperate, we can figure it out, with some help, patience and remembering the lessons we've already learnt.

"It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to."

-J.R.R Tolkien